It's nearly 2 weeks now since I arrived back stateside and I have that funny feeling like I have been back for ages. It is odd talking with Matt on the phone while he is still in Edinburgh and I am living the Utah life. It is almost like I am talking to a person who is still living in this intense and memorable dream I once had. Before I left, I did all that I could to try and find closure on leaving so that I could feel ready to move on. After having moved several times in just the last 4 years, I have gotten pretty accustomed to finding ways of feeling ready for the next step and much of that involved looking forward to what lay ahead. But this was difficult to do this time around because I really wasn't quite sure what lay ahead aside from a shot at a librarian job in Denver, a tea/cake dome party with some of my girlfriends, and some outdoor swimming. Truly, I had little left in me to stay much longer in Edinburgh: my legs were starting to constantly ache from the walking and housekeeping, too many clothes were worn to threads, my teeth were telling me they needed a dentist appt, and every job I applied for was put off by me living in Scotland - I made too inconvenient a candidate, etc. I was really doing the best thing - not overstaying my welcome there - but I still get a tight feeling in my throat and a pinch in my eyes every time I hear Matt talk about all of the things he is going through as he packs. That year really passed as if it were a dream.
I am quick to remind myself though of how I started to get British teeth while I was there (the hygienist literally had to sand off the herbal tea stains off my teeth!) and how my faith in coming home when I did resulted in a job here. And I really have been greeted by so many comforting routines and marvelous company as I have come back. But there is this feeling I am constantly battling as I settle into my American lifestyle again and meet up with my dear friends I have known so long. I have this inclination to want to stay a bit sad about being back. I almost want the a homesick melancholy to stay with me because somehow it feels as if I am closer to that year of living Scottishly than if I were to just whole-heartedly take to my new life back here. I don't wish myself miserable but I can't help but embrace the sad feeling of missing the people, places and routines from Edinburgh that are so different from my life back here. As a result, I have been playing the soundtrack from Submarine on Grooveshark or listening to endless folksongs sung by The Corries, music that very much reminds me of my time in Edinburgh as it often was what I often listened to while cooking or walking to the supermarket.
Still, it is hard to stay too despondent when I have been up to my favourite trails, baked in a kitchen with a normal sized conventional (not convectional, celcius) oven, stared towards the Wasatch front while backstroking in the Alta Canyon Pool, been able to spend money without thinking in terms of a merciless exchange rate, and constantly experience the incredibly freeing feeling that comes with no longer being an outsider wherever I go. Life is good. Once again it is forcing me to move forward before I quite feel ready but I think that is probably just as it should be - at least it is as it always has been.
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